The Man With the Gun

We were now only three. We sat solemnly, silent with downcast eyes. The man with the gun continued to speak in foreign tongue, a language that resembled Portugese, but my ears could not be sure. Or was it my mind? Racing as it were, I was unable to comprehend anything other than the eminent fate that laid ahead. It was clear by now that this man had come to kill. He had already taken two. Now it was our turn.

The man’s friends stood by, cheerfully watching. There was no trace of remorse, guilt, or sympathy. To them, it was a game; a reason to avert boredom. I could see they were having fun. Out of the group a couple eyed the girl next to me, my love of a previous life. The woman spoke in tongues and gestured with her fingers. The man with the gun translated, “She wants you.” The woman crawled over the girl’s body with her filthy eyes, leaving their heavy impression on the soul of my love. She began to cry and although we had separated in another life, she grabbed for my hand, squeezed it and searched for the flame we had once let die.

In our last moments, she reclaimed the forgiveness and love of the universe. She lived in my eyes while confessions of love poured from her heart. “I love you,” she said with uncontrollable despair. She had already given up. I watched as her gaze began to distance, leaving this world in search for the next. With ample ambition, I intervened. The man with the gun was growing annoyed, his dissatisfaction was apparent.

“We will make it. Look at me, ” I called to her eyes, beckoning their return. A glint of recognition followed by a total release of identity. This surrender was ensued by words of the soul which battled for the present. Come back to me. Look into my eyes. If you can stay here it will be over. I watched as the color returned to her skin, the motion danced in her breath and the recognition of the self sparkled in her eyes. She had come to fight. And now it was my turn.

The man with the gun cocked his pistol. I closed my eyes. The person to my left was first, his head laid upon my shoulder. Three shots fired and I couldn’t tell if the universe had stopped. The weight of my eyelids was tremendous, so much so that I thought they would forever remain shut. I heard the air make way for barrel of the gun. I felt its long, blunted nose directed at my soul. I heard a click and I began to purge.

With all the force of the world, I cried; vomiting tears. Emotions born in my stomach were ejected up through my throat and out of my mouth. I was unable to stop the convulsions. I wanted them to continue. With each heave my being was lightened. I was transported into another existence where only I and myself existed. Spring cleaning of the soul. Anger fueled the roar, but by the time it was set free, I noticed there was only fear. As it floated out of my body, my tongue tasted love. Once released into the air, it was only love.

My hand was still grasped by the love of a life passed. I looked up at the man with the gun. He smiled. “Doesn’t it feel better?” I stood up and laughed, “Yes, it does.” I could see the rain had stopped. The pavement was wet with the remains of the evening. The sun had kept such an angle that it felt like breakfast, a beginning to a new day. I thanked him in all sincerity and he approached. We shook hands and he walked past. “Hasta luego,” I blurted in Spanish. He replied with only a warm glance. We would see each other again.

I took the hand of my lover and we walked into the morning.


I awoke from Shavasana healed.

Embodying the Feminine

I recently read an article by Arjuna Ardagh titled Why it is Wise to Worship Women. He talks about the importance of understanding the power of a woman through his reverent relationship towards his wife. He then guides readers to follow certain steps that will manifest such a partnership. I found myself agreeing with everything he said. What caught my attention was not his timeless message, but instead the comments of his readers.

Many of which were very upset. Some argued that the word worship was placing unjustly distributing value, creating an unequal relationship. Others were distressed over Ardagh’s claims that he had found love. Still more were displeased with the idea of following his guidelines. With all the differences in discontent, the common theme I took away from Ardagh’s Web 2.0 debate was fear.

Of course this fear manifested in various forms, but all of it spoke to the fear of change. We have been accustomed to a certain paradigm of thought for the entirety of the known human existence. This frame of thought is defined as masculine. Throughout history, culture has time and time again shown dissent from the feminine, placing value in masculine subjectivity. Science invalidates wisdom, technology trumps tradition, and information eclipses intuition. The world has, for quite some time, leaned solely one-way: towards the direct nature of man.

So it should have been of no surprise to witness such defensive backlash and justification against the points Ardagh made. Yet, I was still shocked. So many people, as articulate as they had come across, were just hiding their fear of accepting a new paradigm of femininity.  Holding on to whatever rules they created or ideas they subscribed too, many missed the entire point of the article.

In worshipping the feminine, we are not destroying, devaluing or undermining masculinity. We are empowering it. Certain limitations are obvious in either solely feminine or solely masculine thought, but as a man, I can only speak of my own.  Intuition, surrendering, acceptance and unconditional love are all hard-pressed areas for men. As Ardagh pointed out, there is much a man can learn from a woman. In the process of adoration, man surrenders his faults and learns to foster his missing half, his femininity.

The power of the feminine is complete, beautiful, and open.

In today’s society, it is extremely rare that one try to cultivate their wholeness through learning about the other sex. Restricted by taboo, constructs of sexuality and other societal pressures, many live their life not understanding who they fully are. In many cases these imbalances lead to emotional instabilities, conditions and blockages.

As a man in search of his femininity, I have come to understand that all of the answers to my problems such as anger, control and ultimately fear are resolved in surrendering to the matriarchal knowledge. In this realm, there is strength unlike anything I have ever experienced. It is powerful, assertive and understanding. It is not dominant or overbearing. Its completeness is sound and comforting. It is rare that I experience such a moment, but when I do it is as if I have found the lost pieces to the puzzle of me.

I understand many are skeptical and fearful of learning to change. I was subject to all the same pressure placed upon exploring my femininity. One such fear was the idea of losing my masculinity.  In society, exploring my womanhood would be the “gayest” thing to do. Yet, what I found was I grew more confident in my identity as a man the more I understood what it was like to be a woman.

I of course am still unraveling this discovery and will most likely be doing so for the remainder of my life. I am not sure it is something that ever ends, much like our experience as a soul. What I do know is that I have been able to find inner peace and greater self-love through worshipping the women in my life. Many say that the lives we live are chosen by our souls in order to learn a specific lesson. I believe that the all men are souls determined to understand the language of the woman, bringing wholeness to their existence.

The illusion of gender is that we are only half of our whole.

Sushi: A Transcendent Experience

Sushi is one of my favorite ways to dine.  Beyond the cuisine being offered, sushi imparts an experience of much greater depth.   From a hand massage with a hot table side towel to using chop sticks to drinking hot tea, the entire experience of eating sushi is unique and involving.  Yet is is often misunderstood that sushi is only a gastronomical experience.  Sushi is much more than fish being sliced and rice being steamed.  There is a great profoundness to sushi.

After years of eating sushi, the only knowledge I gathered came from slim two-fold menus positioned atop japanese restaurant dinner tables.  Maybe my stomach was to blame for the lack of research or maybe post-sushi-mortem induced too much laziness for my active culniary curiosity.  Either way, I had never looked beyond the epicurean literature of sushi.

As I started learning more about sushi, I found that the meals I spent so much time enjoying had a message of great depth.  Originating in China, sushi existed out of necessity.  Sushi began as a preservation technique that involved rice fermentation greatly extending the life span of caught fish.  In modern times it has intertwined with philosophy and religion establishing its artistic and creative roots that resembles the calmness of the most peaceful Zen paintings.  Beyond the aesthetic pleasures, the message of sushi strives for a deeper meaning: to connect man and nature, transcending the realm of duality and separateness.

Sushi, in its most basic and traditional forms, represents the earth.  Land and water are attributed from its elements of rice and fish.  The balance between the two represent the harmony in nature.  The art of sushi is in its respect and gratefulness, creating a most beautiful display of honor and poise.  Each sushi creation is a tribute to the balance of nature.

It is in this respect that sushi attempts to transcend the detached world of man and nature.  Each piece of sushi praises the forces that support man, thus recognizing our role in the interconnected play of the world.  Through the design, care, and technicality that sushi artists and chefs harbor, the lives of the fish and plants that came from the oceans and soil of the earth are respectfully honored.  The realization of the consciousness of each component of sushi gives love, admiration, and thanks towards the earth.

As man partakes in this experience, he is participating in the gastronomical ceremony of the connectedness of man and earth through sushi.  He is praising his dinner for it is the earth he is eating.  Without the earth, he would not exist.  Sushi is a transcendent experience that involves grace in every bite and every moment.

In previous blogs, I have mentioned the importance of changing the way food is perceived.  Food must be seen as divine in order to understand our connection with the world.  Sushi does just that.  The connection between man and nature is exemplified in the artful display of balance and respect for the consciousness of the earth that supports us.

PS if you’re in los angeles and love traditional sushi, make it your prerogative to spend an evening at Sasabune